Tenerife. 2023.

 The OFFICIAL REVIEW of TENERIFE 2023 is here. 

At 42 my memory is always a little hazy at times, and some of the times/days may be slightly inaccurate, but it's to the best of my remembering.

So we arrive in Holiday Inn near the Gatwick Airport Wednesday afternoon, 21st June. The rationale behind this was that the many hours drive from Wales to England and then the airport/waiting/flight stuff would be too much. Hotel was nice enough, very expensive, spent way too much there with pre holiday drinks excitement, but it all served its purpose I guess. 

You can leave your car here for the duration of the holiday too, which is why she did it. The next day (22nd June, Thursday), was just a wake up at hotel, ready to leave for the airport. Couple of bevs again, car keys in, shuttle bus to airport. The pics are for my timeline of events to remember.

Gatwick Airport, the usual. I hate it but whatever. Toilets broke, doors broke. Some assholes kept trying to breach the broken door when I was taking a dump, just a nightmare. 

Four hour flight basically, extra leg room for me, but this is becoming a bit of a nightmare and my limit is now around 3 hours before my stomach starts doing cartwheels and my back issues start flaring up. I don't feel well the last hour, but I get through just about. Couple next to me didn't stop talking for the first 30 minutes so I do what I always do in this situation...I put my earphones in. 

We get there night time so we have a couple of hours walking round trying to do some recce and find an expensive place first up. Mediocre expensive meal. First thing we noticed when we checked into the room was the smell of blow. It is everywhere in Spain. At the hotels, through the streets, everywhere. Mrs complained to reception their response was basically 'Can't do anything. Please go away'. Okay. 

If you love blow, Tenerife is for you. You can basically get high all holiday round without using your own.

DAY ONE FRIDAY

The first real day is the Friday. The hotel is Best Tenerife. This is in Playa de las Americas. I have no idea what star it is, she does all that. It is opposite a hotel called Up! which looks better, but who knows. It's roundabout where the red is. 

This is the view from the third floor. 

If you have young ones I'd be on pins with the pretty shitty glass panelling on the balcony, but that's just me maybe. This was room 300+ which gets the sun probably from around 10amish right the way round to 4-5pmish. It is hot there in June. Hotel room decent, no kettle in there so you have to rent one (ffs). 

Fridge is small. It has a safe and a tv too. Two double beds we had. There are shops right next to the complex so I was getting my cases of San Miguel and whatever else and then cooler bagging them by the pool. To get to your hotel room from the pool you have to walk right the way through the hotel, which I thought would piss me off more but it didn't. Everyone in the same boat. 

We go to the pool after breakfast. You cannot play ball in the big pool (left) only the small pool. You cannot go on lilos and the pool attendants are like Nazis. If you are disabled or old the entire place is built for you. By the 2nd day I explained the utter ludicrous scenario of the pool on the right being full of toddlers and around 50 other kids and adults all whizzing balls across a smaller space and the main pool on the left having about 3 people. Trying to explain this logic became nauseating. They are retards.

Main pool pic below. 

There was a darts tournament near the pool, but couldn't be arsed. The tournament consists of killer probably and was about 10 minutes, so absolute minimum effort by the entertainment staff here. Spent most of this day by the pool, chilling, having food at the hotel. Just a nice base day to start. 

DAY TWO SATURDAY

Had a walk today. Around a 5-10 minute walk from the hotel, great for surfers. We were trying to locate the best beach and being people that do absolutely no research into anything we were disappointed that there was no sand. 'Is this the beach? This is shit.' But lovely backdrops and great for surfers as I say. She's also standing on my foot. 

We walk further, still no beach. We think there is nothing more in that particular direction which will be a fatal error as I will highlight later. We walk all the way back the way we came which is another error. More later again. We go back to the hotel to the heightening pool/ballgate, with an increasing intensity with the Brits and their kids v the German/Dutch/Belgian retirement crew. It's brewing. 

I go to play Table Tennis. Where are the bats? Oh, it's 10 Euros. EACH TIME YOU PLAY. WHAAAT. Hotel starting to piss me off. This together with 4 pool tables that are all unused (2 Euros) and are wonky. 

In the night we go to a Steak House and I'm trying to put a reasonable face on it, but for the price the food was average at best. She didn't finish hers. About 4 chips and a small steak. We also got badgered by some French magician who I felt sorry for. He had 5 Euros. In honesty, a steak anywhere around my locality was far better and for a lot less. But I grind the teeth. There are TONS of Steak Houses though scattered around and we as per probably chose the worst for the most expense. Just needed some more time to look. 

On the walk back, we are constantly harassed by the good old African chaps trying to sell stuff and get close to that lovely Iphone in your pocket. The women carry babies around as props for the sympathy vote. Don't fall for it. These are pros. We go to sleep. 

DAY THREE SUNDAY

We have breakfast and it's already starting to get samey. Bacon. Tiny sausage. Egg. Omelette. Etc etc etc. It's basically the same everywhere now. By Sunday 12pm, there is a full scale rebellion against the shitty hotel rules regarding the pools and finally there is a huge victory as British mothers have just taken the area by force. For 3 days we had the ludicrous scenario of the smaller pool being used for everything crammed, whilst 3 people over 90 use the main pool. Don't mess with the Irish mothers, they forced the hand in the end. 

We have a pool tournament. I break first (around 20 people killer) and immediately pot the black first up for the extra life. I get to the last 3. Basically in the bag because I'm the best. I pot a ball, the entertainment guy (Dutch I think) says 'ahh try next time'. It didn't register at the time, I just thought he was doing some fkin Schteve McLaren bullshit. Basically the idiot thought I'd missed and by the time he skipped over me I was like....errr...it's my turn sometime? Then it ended.

Some Scott, Scott (haha) won. I'm fucking livid and I decide the 'entertainment' is shit and because of this I refuse to play the Water Polo the next few days, which I always do wherever I go (currently have lost just once in my life). Still fewmin. YOU HAVE ONE JOB MATE JUST PUT YOUR LITTLE PEN ON YOUR PAPER ASSHAT.

We walk some more and find this. Is this the beach? No. But there is a McDonald's nearby. We have a McDonald's and of all the food on this holiday THIS MCDONALD'S IS FKIN BANGING. A ton of fries, I had 20 odd Nuggets, starving. Served piping hot, served in minutes. Lovely stuff. This is your nearest McDonald's by the way from the main complexes. Can't remember much else. 

DAY FOUR MONDAY

Morning breakfast. The same. Few hours by the pool. I decide that this is the day I'm going to find the beach. I don't care how far I have to walk. 

I take my helper with me. I have coffee in the nearest big Shopping Centre he has ice cream or whatever. Remember this, this is a kind of key place where you can get your bearings from. Shops, and a shortcut that we didn't know about. He starts complaining so I have to walk all the back to the hotel as he is missing TikTok on his mobile. She is sleeping. But this beach must be found. I go back to find it. 

I find it. 

The beach is lovely and it's called The People's Beach. Beautiful sand, water and if you go down the bottom part a ton of women with their tits out. A few have their full attributes on show. Saw one mother, fit as fuck, nothing on, playing with what looked like a 10 year old and I was like...okay whatever...little bit too close for my liking but... If you go a little further you get to a really quiet rock pool area with lovely warm water to dip your feet and watch the waves crash. Superb. I watch Spanish teens smoke some blow. I watch two guys get in this pool one with a chair and stay there for hours. 

It's bookmarked for tomorrow, but the isolation and brilliance of this day was the highlight of this holiday. If you don't want to go on the sand btw you can pitch up on a nice grass area all along the walking area around the sand. Win win. 

On the walk back it dawns on me. There is a shortcut through the shopping centre which connects main street, the shopping centre, a bridge across the swimming pools of another hotel and finally to the beach. I was also about 300 more steps on the 2nd day of finding the beach straight away. I could have Google Mapped this 1st/2nd day, but no fun in that. 

We go out in the night and find an Irish Bar. Typical place, really enjoyed, one Scottish boy looked like he was going to die he drank so much in the day. Staff, stunners. All along this Irish Bar street are a ton of food places. 

DAY FIVE TUESDAY

Beach day. See above. The highlight was me swimming from one end of the beach to the other in pursuit of some old fuckers lilo that had blown, then almost killing myself in the rocks. It was a superhuman effort. I reached the lilo eventually when it got stuck in the rocks. I rescued it, brought it back to the other end of the beach. In my mind, everyone on the beach clapped.

DAY SIX WEDNESDAY

We've all had enough. I'm sick of the hotel food. I've played about 134 hours of table tennis against him (with a bat set we bought for 20 Euros so fuck you hotel). I've done the pool and the beach. I've had more than enough sun. I miss my dogs. Basically a chill day after spending way too many hours on the beach. We go for a wander in the night for some more McDonald's, again it's great. 

DAY SEVEN THURSDAY

We're still all fucked, so we just lounge around the hotel, listening to the oversees Test stream counting the hours down. Tiny bit of sun because even the Sun God me has had enough by now. Checkout 12.30pm. Shuttle bus 5pm. Airport 7pm. Waiting til 9pm. Flight, 4 hours, hit Gatwick at like 1.00am, drive home 4 hours, house like 6am. Collapse in bed. Stay there for 2 days. 

SOME GENERALS

Okay, so did I enjoy the holiday? Yes. This is the first time going half board as we normally go all inclusive. In future, we're going for self catering. Too many hotels now offer the same shit. Lanzarote. Turkey. Cyprus. Tenerife. We're just bored now of the hotel food and with all inclusive (and even half board) you feel compelled to keep yourself around the hotel. 

The hotel felt a little Nazi-ish with their rules and regs, and check out the small print stuff like whether you get drinks with certain meals because this is starting to grate me. It was very very clean however. 

As mentioned there is blow everywhere. It's a Tenerife thing, wherever you go. The kid enjoyed but got bored after 4 days really. The highlight for him was playing ping pong, on the table downstairs, in the hotel room, everywhere. We enjoyed, but it's probably too hot. I love the sun but was done-in by day 5. I suppose the problem with 7 days as opposed to 10 days is that you don't pace yourself, therefore cramming stuff and then exposing yourself to too much sun too quickly. You'll get badgered to buy things from the African boys constantly. So watch your possessions. 

In short, we'll go self catering next time and maybe 10 days to have more chill time. 

I know exactly where everything is now, so if we did go there again, it's all easier. The best place to play pool, to buy a pint, late night entertainment, food places etc. This place Playa de las Americas is probably your best bet to be at if you want to go to Tenerife. Everything is basically 10 minutes away, the pubs, the eating places, the shopping centre, sports bars, the beach, everything. The shopping centre short cut was a god send and it was way too late before I realised. 

So overall, 7/10. Love Tenerife in general, but the hotel took the shine off. BUT...it is strategically located so if you want somewhere to just kip and launch from, then it's your place. 

My perspective on holidays these days though, I honestly think it's all overrated especially as you get older. The flights start taking their toll, the food is generally meh. The kids generally get bored before they are supposed to. The airports, the build up, this and that. So maybe looking at Portugal next, self catering. 2 hour flight maybe and just to get out of the hotel grind.